The Saga of Jesus
by Peppo
Summary: Pingy is the antichrist. She has been hired by satan to assassinate Jesus. I had fun with this one XD. Flame if you like... but know that i like things toasty. I am not a satanist.
1. 1 The fall of Jesus

**I own nothing**

**The Saga of Jesus**

"I damn thee to hell!" exclaimed Jesus. All of his disciples glanced up to see him attempting to do a magic trick involving two metal rings stuck together. He was failing. They then glanced back down and continued to plan out his succession to religious power.

"Erm..." began the new girl. "I know that he is the 'son of god' and all that jazz, but... well... he strikes me more as violently retarded than as a godly force to be reckoned with. Are you sure we have the right messiah?"

"Yep," replied Bartholomew. When the new girl, Pingy, continued to look perplexed he continued, "Look, if God and the biggest slut in the neighborhood had spawned you, wouldn't you be a bit chemically imbalanced?"

Pingy was still confused. "Slut? But she was the virgin–"

"Jesus Christ!" Jesus looked up and shot Bartholomew a creepy and perverted look that promised many abominations to come. Bartholomew shivered and continued after lowering his voice, "Do you really believe all of that crap about a 'virgin birth'? I for one know that it is crap because well..." Bartholomew got a far off look in his eyes. The look held a glint of perverted memory. "You see, about a year before Jesus was even a sperm–"

"AHHHHHHH! Lord! I get the picture!'

"THOU SHALT NOT USE MINE FATHER'S NAME IN VAIN!" roared Jesus, fireballs leaping from his eyes... literally.

"Sorry Jesus," Pingy muttered while nursing her singed eyebrows.

"Thou shan't apologize to me. Apologize to my daddy."

Pingy looked dubious.

"APOLOGIZE OR I'LL TELL DADDY TO SMITE THEE AND GIFT TO THEE A ONE WAY TICKET TO THE FLAMING DEPTHS OF HELL!"

Pingy sighed. "Sorry Jehovah" she said grudgingly

"YOU DID IT AGAIN!"

"No, I wasn't using it in vain so it is ok" Pingy stated calmly

"Oh" said Jesus, crestfallen that he couldn't send someone to hell.

Bartholomew sighed and whispered to Pingy "Even if he is the son of god, we are going to kill him for the cause the first chance we get."

Silence descended, interrupted only by the fevered giggling and twitching of Jesus. Pingy wondered why she was there, seeing as how she didn't believe in god. All of a sudden, time stopped and Pingy felt her spirit fall thousands of feet into the depths of hell.

"Wow. This is so convenient." Pingy said sarcastically. Then she began again in a more awed tone "Wow! Jesus actually is the son of god! he sent me to hell! wow!" She fell silent for a moment then became somewhat angry. "Well fine then! I know that I am not special in any way but i didn't think I would have to wait this long to be tortured endlessly. Jesus! this is doing wonders for my self esteem. Hell can't even bother to rend my soul from my physical form and then rend _that_ and then rend _those_ pieces and then–"

"As interesting and enlightening as this wee rant is, I am afraid that i must interrupt before your brain explodes."

Pingy looked over and saw a very very attractive man with black hair. "a) It is impossible for brains to explode and b) Who are you?"

"I am god"

"erm.. you do realize that we are thousands of feet underground and surrounded by walls of flames"

"Oh, right." he glared at Pingy. "I was kidding. I am SATAN"

"REALLY? hello mister Satan sir. Very nice to meet you ever since i was a kid i have been told that i was going to go to hell and now I am so this is such an honor sir such an honor and did you know that you are really attractive? if you weren't satan I would ravage you and that beardie thing is really cool it is all pointy and where are your horns? everyone always says that satan has horns you don't have one of those poky but-stickers either but everyone says you do hey do you wanna have sex? no? okay. hey, funniest story, about 5 minutes ago I was sitting in a room with Jesus and he is mentally insane and inherently violent and i didn't think that he was really the son of god since i don't even believe in god but i have to believe it now because he sent me to hell and nothing even killed me so i must have been smited and–"

Satan walked over and slapped Pingy.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Oh sorry"

"You better be"

"Why?"

"because, oh i don't know, I am SATAN!"

"Well how do I know what that is supposed to mean? It's not like I have read the bible or anything! All I know about you is that you are the king of pain and all of the things that god doesn't want to take responsibility for. I have always pitied you. You seem more like a scapegoat then a minion of evil."

"You haven't read the bible?"

"Nope"

"I love you"

"That's special"

"Isn't it"

"Not really"

"You make me sad"

"You are the devil, god damn it! Don't you thrive on sadness!"

Satan's eyes brimmed with tears "All of those stereotypes are so MEAN to me! I really am a nice person! I like bunnies and toast and fuzzy slippers and hot chocolate and salamanders and all sorts of partially digested rodents and fire another bunny and death and cakes and poison and, well i'm not the biggest fan of Jesus, but i like feathers and doves and pillows and violence and MORE bunnies and seagulls and torture and shampoo and conditioner and children and hospitals and bones and caterpillars and weapons of mass destruction and nuclear weapons and fluffy white clouds and wispy clouds and Puppies–"

"Puppies?" Pingy asked incredulously, "I can believe all the rest of that, but puppies?"

"Yes," Satan sad, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "See? Puppy." A small, flaming puppy of death, destruction and pain ran up and leapt into Satan's lap where he began to play tug-of-war with it using a severed human arm. "Who's my little pookie wookie?" Satan stated in a baby voice. "pookie wookie boo boo ah dah boo boo. Who dah boo boo?who dah boo? who dah boo dah boo? hah da boo boo? who de boo boo?"

Pingy walked over and slapped Satan.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!"

"YOU ARE SATAN! ACT LIKE HIM!"

"WHAT? I was playing tug-of-war with a friggin human arm! that sounds evil to me!"

"You were talking baby talk! Doesn't that sound a bit out of character to you?"

"Not really. Now, as for the reason you are down here–

"I thought Jesus smote–"

"YOU WERE NOT SMOTE! I brought you down here to assassinate Jesus."

There was a long pause. Then Pingy asked "And?"

"AND WHAT? You... kill... Jesus... that is all there is to it"

"Well yes, it is intriguing me. He is responsible for all of my pain and suffering, but what is in it for me?"

"Hmmm..." Satan stroked his pointy black beard thoughtfully. "You would gain freedom from all damnation in any incarnation you have."

Pingy stroked her invisible beard "So... say that in, oh i don't know, the year 2005, I write a story about me killing Jesus and I enjoy human suffering and all that jazz which I would be sent to hell for, I would go to heaven?"

Satan laughed very very loud. "No matter what you do to redeem yourself you will definitely burn in hell for all eternity for killing Jesus even if you were the virgin mary herself. No, I will just make my evil minions not rape you." When Pingy looked slightly appalled and confused, Satan elaborated, "Didn't you know that all morbidly obese people (the majority of them are Americans, fat fucks) who go to hell are given the job of raping the other people? You didn't? Oh, well, since you are going to hell anyway just for considering the assassination of Jesus it might be a good idea for you so you can escape that horrible horrible fate. I'm sure I can think of many better uses for you" his eyes gained a very disturbing glint as he was obviously imagining many many disturbing and sexually pleasing (to him at least) things that he would do to her.

Pingy, however, didn't hear half of the explanation or see the glint because she had already found a gun and was cocking it, preparing to kill Jesus.

"Oh good." said Satan

"Hey, it this threatening to you?" Pingy asked before absently pointing the gun at Satan's crotch.

Satan did a ballet type leap while screaming, "JESUS CHRIST"

"yeah, him," Pingy said obliviously, "If I pointed the gun at him there would he feel threatened?"

Satan however didn't answer. Pingy looked over and saw him curled up in the fetal position with his hands cupped around his manly area. Pingy was astounded for curled up there before her was the devil himself... and he was praying.

"God," Pingy heard him mutter, "lord protect and watch over me. Protect me from that crazy bitch I am sending to kill your son. Sure, you threw me off of that great boring fluffy cloud that was heaven but we were buddies. Come on man! All I did was tell you that the world was like an orange and that people evolved from monkeys and that mothers should be able to kill unwanted children and that people should be able to believe whatever they want and that they can screw each other out of wedlock. Well, since I look at it that way, yes, I was disagreeing with everything you stood for but still! This girl was going to shoot my family jewels off! You are a man (or was the last time I checked. Another reason why you threw me out. Lord! I just heard rumors that you were a woman and I had to check) so you should feel pity for me.

Suddenly, all of the flames of hell were extinguished and ice began to form over every surface.

"Oh shit." whispered Satan

"What" inquired Pingy

"Oh shit" Satan repeated, this time pointing up.

He had been pointing to the angelic figure of beauty and indiscernible sex that was descending rapidly towards them. It had been distracted by his own beauty and angelicness while descending. Pingy had a difficult time stifling her giggles when the angelic figure of beauty and indiscernible sex crumpled very ungracefully to the ground.

"JESUS CHRIST!" the angelic figure of beauty and indiscernible sex exclaimed with anger, forcing Pingy to lose her battle with hysterical laughter. "What the bloody hell are you laughing at, oh unfortunate dweller of hell?" the angelic figure of beauty and indiscernible sex glanced sharply at Satan, who looked somewhat sheepish. "Aren't you supposed to torture them down here and hurt them and rape them and all that jazz? Why is she laughing?"

"Umm... erm..." Satan was averting his eyes and desperately attempting to make up a lie.

The angelic figure of beauty and indiscernible sex walked over to where Pingy stood, for she had managed to contain her hysteria to the occasional giggle and twitch and regain her feet. "Do you know who you are laughing at?" the angelic figure of beauty and indiscernible sex asked with venom. Pingy bit her lip hard enough to draw blood to keep herself from laughing. "Do you dare laugh at..." the angelic figure of beauty and indiscernible sex looked around sneakily then exclaimed "GOD!"

Pingy was again unable to contain her laughter again. with a huge, resounding snort she sprayed the creator of the universe with saliva and nose mucus before falling on to the ground, rolling back and forth and crying while laughing hysterically.

God's eyes took on a pitying look. He glanced at Satan. "Is she quite mad then?" He asked in a very mild and sympathetic tone.

Satan face became alight with an idea for the perfect lie. "Yes milord. You see, she thinks that she is the queen of Sheeba and that all of the men in the world are her consorts and once she died and entered hell we made her face her worst fears, as we tend to do around here, so she was informed that she wasn't the queen of Sheeba and that she had died a virgin and the stress of it broke her mind." Satan beamed with pride at his wonderful, foolproof lie.

"Why yes. that makes perfect–" God began, for a moment taking Satan's word as the truth. Then a small bit of logic struck him. "Hey! that can't be right!" The smile slowly melted off of Satan's face. "If she were dead when she came here her lip wouldn't have bled when she was biting it! you liar! you fiend! YOU DEVIL!"

A short man with horn rimmed glasses, a pencil behind his ear, and nerdy pants ran up and whispered something in Gods ear.

"I see," God said in a slightly confused voice. "Well. It has come to my attention that you are a devil, a fiend, and a liar so none of those were insults to you. So I shall call you... ninny hammer! No? how about tom-fool? Nope? Damn! there must be a useful insult somewhere in here" He leafed through a dictionary of insults looking completely focused.

"Umm... milord?" Satan interrupted meekly after a few minutes of silence, broken only by the continued laughter of Pingy. "Excuse me but, if I may be so bold as to ask, why have you come here. I mean, I know when you sent me here you said that you wouldn't forgive me until hell freezes over, but this is just ridiculous! I won't be able to get business back up to its usual pain filled quota for weeks! you have put me months behind in my work! Hell will never be quite the same."

God winced. "Sorry about that. Anyway, I have come to ask a favor."

"And what would that be milord" Satan was looking quite cocky again and he loaded the word milord with sarcasm.

"I want you to assassinate Jesus."

"WHAT!" screamed Satan

"I want you to kill–"

"Jesus, yeah I got that bit. I meant what in a more of a 'what the fuck' way then a 'could you be so kind as to repeat that.'"

"Ah. I see. I just recently learned english so my idioms are still a bit off."

"Excuses"

"Shut up or I will have Buddha kill Jesus." Satan closed his mouth, refusing to pass up on the chance to kill the son of god and not be punished eternally for it. God glared at him before continuing, "You see, Jesus is an asshole. He went and got himself crucified 'for other's sins.' the stupid little fuck is stuck in heaven with me and he is beginning to make your antics look like fluffy bunnies."

There was a short pause in which they heard Pingy gasping desperately for breath. "So..." Satan said, somewhat confused, "Why couldn't you have just sent him to hell?"

"Peter, you know, he guards the gates of heaven, he was going to send him to hell, but the horny bastard took Jesus's bribe of a lifetime supply of Playboy. The memo that Jesus has displeased me and so must rot in hell must have slipped his mind."

"Hey! I resent that! It isn't that bad down here! people wo have finished their sentence are able to do all of the things which you condemn. It is really a lot more fun then floating about on clouds and harping all day. Down here people have fun! And not one single person has complained about any sort of rot."

God rolled his eyes. "Enough of the bullshit." he glanced over at Pingy who was lying face down on the ground. "Hey, is she okay?"

Satan glanced in her direction before sighing exasperatedly and walking over to her and slapping her. "OWWWWWWW! What the fuck was that for you ass wiper of diarrhea plagued obese beggars with leprosy!"

"She's all right" Satan said to God. "She's alive and kicking."

"Good. So, who do you have in mind for the assassination of my son?" God asked, looking at Satan expectantly.

"Well..." he averted his eyes before pointing ashamedly at Pingy, who attempted to bite his finger.

"Interesting choice." He looked down at Pingy who was attempting to look under his robes and learn the answer to that age old question, 'is god male or female?' He smiled at her like she was a retard and said, "do you have any weapons that would kill Jesus?"

Pingy suddenly became very serious, grabbed her knapsack, and said. "It depends on the kind of death you want. I have 12 nooses, 2 katanas, many swords, 23 ninja throwing stars, assorted automatic rifles, a sawed off shotgun, 120 arrows, poison, 4 clubs, 5 spikes," as Pingy listed each item she pulled it out of her knapsack. "One portable crucifix, assorted torture devices, some rapiers, a claymore, a steel shovel, two sabers, a samurai sword, a couple daggers, a bayonet, a mace, a flail, an ax or two, a few crossbows, a long bow, a recurved bow, a guided missile, LOTS of shrapnel, a tomahawk, a few spears, a blowtorch, a bazooka, about ten grenades, all of the weapons of mass destruction that Iraq was supposed to have, three flasks of greek fire, and one rather knarly looking knife that I stole from my sister's boyfriend." She pulled out the knife and patted it fondly. When she had completed her list, she looked up at God and smiled at his shocked expression as he slowly back away. The then looked over at Satan.

Satan listened to the list, and with every item of death and destruction he fell deeper in love with Pingy. When she looked at him to see his reaction, he walked over and snogged her.

"Well," she said when he had finished kissing her. "That was special."

"I love you" Satan said in a daze.

Pingy patted him on the head and glanced over at God. "So which weapon do you want me to use?"

When Pingy looked at God he winced and began to shake. When she spoke he screamed, "MOMMY!" and then ran away, falling down every few steps. Pingy began laughing hysterically again as Satan made plots to kill Jesus.

"HE LIVES!" Mary screamed. "HE LIVES!"

A few disciples looked up, but the rest continued eating their bacon.

"Please!" she dropped to her knees before Bartholomew, "He lives! I swear it!"

Bartholomew sighed, "Look, whore, if you are going to stay here with us you will remain silent and sleep with anyone who wishes it, right? Those were the terms yes?"

"But Jesus! He–"

"Wrong answer. The correct answer would be 'yes, those were the terms. would you like to go for a tumble?' To which my answer would be 'yes, in fact I was just about to ask you the same thing.'" Bartholomew stood up.

Jesus strode in and squealed. "REPENT and thou shalt be saved!" He ran up and grabbed a rather tarty looking woman who was serving them and screamed, "WHORE! WHORE! THEE SHALL ROT IN HELL!" The woman burst into tears and began to run off. Jesus had turned to harass a different pedestrian and thus did not see that 4 of his disciples had cornered the woman he had just yelled at and were leading her into a barn to commit various atrocities and abominations to her and the cow that lived there. He also missed the shadowy figure that snuck in the barn after them.

"all right," said Bartholomew after the barn door was closed and locked it, "Who want the woman first and who wants the cow?" all three of them raised their hands for the cow. Bartholomew sighed, "Damn, I wanted the cow."

"Not so fast you... you... you _christian _you!"

"Who said that!" asked Bartholomew

"I did" said the cow.

"Yeah. Like you can talk."

"Erm... I am kind of talking to you now if you didn't notice"

"Hey, you are talking– AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE DEVIL HAS POSSESSED THE COW!"

Pingy, who had been gifted the evil ability of possession, thought about his comment. It was technically true since she possessed the cow and she worked for the devil. She pondered it for a moment before continuing with scaring the living shit out of the disciples and gaining an ally of her own. "Yes, I am the cow and I want you to know that if you commit any abominations with me a) Jesus will smite you and b) I will bite your balls off."

A collective gasp of pain swept around the room as all of the men protectively clutched their family jewels. One either brave of very stupid man approached the cow slowly. Pingy, in cow form, lunged forward and bit down as hard as she could. A shriek of unbearable pitch and length burst forth from the victims mouth as he lost his manliness. Pingy pitied him for a second, but then she remembered that it was funny so she laughed. Once all of the disciples ran from the barn, Pingy emerged from her hiding place and checked to make sure that the girl they were going to rape was okay, and with any luck Pingy could gain a disciple of her own.

"...And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take..." The girl prayed.

"YOU DARE PRAY TO THE ENEMY AFTER I SAVED YOUR HONOR!" Pingy screamed.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Who am I? _Who am I? _I am everything and nothing. You see me but I am not of the living. I serve the will of evil yet I serve the will of good. I betray none and I betray all. I am the enforcer of gods will, but for evil intent only. I can be your savior or your doom. I heal those who deserve it and I smite those who don't. Those who are unfaithful to me will burn eternally in the flames of hell. Serve me well and you will be rewarded."

"Are you Jesus?"

Pingy swiftly beheaded her and chopped her body up into little pieces. She then fed those pieces to the cow who was the one she sought for her ally the entire time.

"My fellows! Lend me your ears!" Jesus screamed

One very stupid man with a large, fluffy mustache cut his ears off and tossed them at Jesus.

"That's _disgusting_!" Jesus exclaimed. "We shall now proceed with smashing your head on a rock."

"I want to fight so go to hell." the ear-thrower retorted.

"Well before I go I'm gonna ride you like a greased pig!" Jesus said, before looking shocked, disgusted, and confused. "I am a princess! YES I HAVE A TICKLISH BUTT! Have a good first day at school. Daddy's gay. MY OVARIES! MY OVARIES ARE SWELLING! Why do dogs lick themselves? MY OVARIES! I'M DYING YOU FOOL. You know, the first time you taste human flesh, it is kind of sickening."

All of Jesus's listeners backed away slowly. Once they were a safe distance away, they ran to their homes and locked the doors. Unnoticed by anyone, Pingy lay rolling on the ground laughing behind a cow.

"I have to remember to thank Satan for giving me the gift of ventriloquism," Pingy gasped between giggles.

"Moo"

"Of course that was necessary, snowflake! We have to have his credibility and sanity called into question."

"Moo?"

"You know why! If we just flat out kill him while he has followers the followers will make ballads about him and we can't have that now can we?"

"Moo."

"Of course I'm right! Now let's go and make friends with that earless fellow over there."

"Moo." Snowflake stated as they approached the earless man.

"Who are you and what do you want?" The earless man inquired.

"I am Pingy, the antichrist and I was wondering I you would like to join our cause."

"And what cause might that be?"

"Killing Jesus mostly."

"I'm in."

"Moo" said snowflake

"Be nice snowflake! If he serves us well I will personally ask Satan to give him whatever ears he desired." Pingy said to snowflake.

"_Really_?" squealed the earless man

"Yes. By what name may we call you who are so wise in the way of pissing off Jesus?" Pingy inquired.

"I am called Vincent Boregaurd but I would prefer to be known only as Mr. Boregaurd if you don't mind."

"I can't call you Vincent?" Pingy inquired.

"No." Mr. Boregaurd answered shortly.

"What about Senior Boregaurd?"

"No"

"Monsieur Boregaurd?"

"No"

"Moo?" Ventured snowflake.

"NO!" he said, ripping the left half of his mustache off in rage.

"Jesus!" Pingy said "There is no reason to go about ripping your mustache off." Pingy's face grew thoughtful. "On the other hand, my master would applaud your anger. Embrace the dark side, luke..."

"Erm... what the fuck are you babbling about." Mr. Boregaurd asked, more then a little scared for Pingy's sanity.

"Oh, erm... nothing of any import."

"All right. So, who is this master of yours?"

"Satan, who else?"

"You work for Satan?"

"Bien sur."

"Moo" asked snowflake

"It means of course in french." Pingy told snowflake

"So you do work for Satan?" Mr. Boregaurd asked again.

"Yes, I am the antichrist in fact."

Mr. Boregaurd nodded his understanding before stabbing Pingy through the heart with an umbrella.

"Oww. That kinda hurt, you know!"

"You're not dead!"

"If I was dead a) would I be talking to you and b) would I feel a slight stinging right about now?" Pingy asked, exasperated. "Why did you stab me?"

"Erm... er..." Mr. Boregaurd stuttered. He finally plucked some flowers from the ground and handed them to Pingy.

"Flowers? For me? I do declare Mr. Boregaurd! You are my hero!" Pingy exclaimed as she removed the umbrella from her chest and snatched the flowers from Mr. Boreguard's hand.

While Pingy was sniffing the flowers, Mr. Boregaurd unsheathed the one and only weapon that was powerful enough to slay the antichrist. As he prepared to plunge it into the very depths of Pingy's heart, Pingy turned and saw what was about to happen and was helpless to stop it. She watched as the ancient weapon plunged towards her.

Snowflake, however, was quicker then most cows. She swiftly bit Mr. Boregaurd.

"Owww! That hurt! Have at you!" Mr. Boregaurd lunged at Snowflake with the ancient weapon.

"You idiot! Your arm's off!" Pingy exclaimed, drawing her equally ancient, but less well known sword.

"No It isn't!" Mr. Boregaurd insisted.

"Well what's that then?" Pingy asked, gesturing towards the limb which was flopping about like a fish.

"Only a flesh wound!"

"You liar!"

"Have at you ya pansy!"

Pingy cut off Mr. Boreguard's other arm. "Victory is mine!"

"Oh! Had enough, eh?"

Pingy grew impatient of the constant referencing of Monty python so she beheaded him.

"Moo" Insisted snowflake.

"all right." answered Pingy as she began to chop up Mr. Boreguard's remains, "But you can't expect to have human flesh this often. I might have a whole herd of cows soon and although you will always be my favorite, I will have to let the other cows eat some human flesh as well so don't get too attached to the idea of living in the lap of luxury."

A small child overheard what Pingy was saying and rushed over. "Pardon, mais vous allez a enfer." The child said.

"Hmm... you are a child, and in most cases I would feed you to my cow, no questions asked, but you also speak french, which we all know is a totally awesome language. I am not french. I am Californian, as was made obvious from my statement of 'totally awesome' but I shall let you live if you do me a favor." Pingy said in french.

"Que veux-tu?" The child asked.

"First, what is your name?" Pingy said, again in french.

"Je m'appelle Franchesco."

"Wow. I pity you. You are hereby known as Fran. The favor I actually need you to do is..."

"Peeng eeeee!" Pat called. "_Peeng eeeee_!"

_Devil lady told me to kill this man_, Fran thought, _So i guess I will. Devil lady is cool. I want to feed human flesh to cows someday. It has always been my dream._

"Peeng eeeee is a but face!" The man called.

_Is this guy retarded? _Fran wondered. Had Pingy heard the thought, which she did because she was listening using the Devils power, she would have said, _Close enough._

_Oh well, _Fran thought as she approached Pat with her knife, _Time to slay the retard._

"I approve of all of your deeds but one," Satan said to Pingy, "I do not see the use of you ordering a child to kill your brother."

"I was training the girl," Pingy said without even a pause to think up a lie. "If I am to slay Jesus I will need more then cows."

_Hmmm, _Satan thought, _she has gotten better at lying. _" I still don't see why it had to be your brother."

"I figured, what with Jesus dying for everyone's sins and all, you were getting a bit lonely down here and needed someone to sick the fat rapists on."

"He went to heaven"

"**_WHAT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HOW THE HELL COULD AN ASSHOLE LIKE THAT GO TO HEAVEN WHEN HE HAS SINNED MORE THEN ANYONE I HAVE EVER HEARD OF?_**" Pingy screamed.

"Jesus died for _everyone's_ sins."

"DAMN IT!"

Satan giggled merrily.

"WHAT ARE YOU TITTERING AT YOU HORNED ASS RAG OF GOD?"

Satan actually looked very insulted.

"WHAT! HAVE I HURT YOUR FEELINGS YOU NIMROD? ARE YOU IN PAIN? SUFFER BITCH! _SUFFER!_"

"I was just going to tell you that I lied."

"YOU LIED DID YOU? WELL... wait... what did you lie about?"

"Your brother is in hell"

"But..." Pingy was confused. "Jesus died for everyone's sins..."'

"I do recall that there is that small exception"

"Speak plainly or I will make snowflake rape you."

" 'Jesus died for everyone's sins but yours' you created this insult, yes?"

"Yes."

"And you are the antichrist, yes."

"I'm pretty sure."

"Then by saying that in reference to your brother, it came true."

"But, how–"

"If you question it, i swear that i will make the cow of hell rape you. I really don't know. Whoever wrote this script is really fucked up." Satan pulled out his script and reread this scene. "Yep, she is definitely fucked up."

"I agree completely"

"Good, now that that is settled and your brother is being raped by fat sweaty men, would you_ please_ go kill Jesus."

"Surely will"

"Thank you"

"But–"

"But?"

"Only if you quote the bible."

"You have go to be fucking with me!"

"As much as I wish I were fucking with you, nope." Pingy said with a wink, obviously thinking dirty thoughts involving icecream sundaes, banannas and whipped cream... and a turtle.

"_Please _don't make me do this."

"I am the antichrist, damn it! I have no mercy! READ FROM THE BIBLE OR BE RAPED BY A COW FUELED BY HUMAN FLESH!"

"Get out of here."

"That didn't sound like it was from the bible."

"It was."

"Where?"

"Matthew 4:10."

"Pingy?" Fran asked meekly.

"Yes my little french speaking brother killer?" Pingy stated fondly. Sure she hates kids, but this kid is french and killed her brother. For these reasons, and these reasons alone, Pingy endured Fran's company.

"Je ne parle pas le francais."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T SPEAK FRENCH? YOU JUST SPOKE IT!" Pingy roared.

"Erm... I only have taken one year of French and I am really american." Fran said meekly.

"Oh really?" Pingy inquired. She sounded and looked reasonable, but Fran could sense the insanity that was boiling beneath the skin. . .

"WHOMEVER HATH MERCILESSLY SLAUGHTERED THIS POOR DEFENSELESS CHILD WILL BURN IN THE FLAMING PITS OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!" Jesus screamed to no one in particular as he poked Fran's torn and bloodied body with a stick.

"The threat of burning in hell isn't really all that frightening when you already have a quite comfortable residence there." Pingy stated calmly, emerging from behind a random tree.

"You are a minion of hell?" Jesus asked dubiously. "And you find it comfortable there?"

"Indeed," answered Pingy. "I have air conditioning."

"YOU ARE A LOONY AND MUST BE SENT TO HELL FOR IT IS A DISGRACE TO GOD TO SAY YOU LIKE IT THERE WHEN IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE TORTURE!."

"Oh really?"

"YES!" Jesus screamed. He strained his face really hard, obviously trying to send Pingy to hell using his 'supreme mental powers.'

"You look constipated." Pingy said.

Jesus grunted.

"Now you sound constipated."

Jesus looked at her and screamed, "I CANNOT SENT YOU TO THE FLAMES BELOW! YOU MUST BE THE ANTICHRIST!"

"Yeppers." Pingy said cheerfully.

"YOU DENY IT BUT... wait, what?"

"You... are... correct," Pingy said slowly.

"Oh, right... hmm... where is Mr. Boregaurd? He has that one ancient weapon I need to disperse with you." Jesus looked suspiciously at Pingy before grabbing her by the collar of her tunic and shaking her. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM!"

"Snowflake!" Pingy called.

"Moo?" answered Snowflake.

"Do remember any 'Mr. Boregaurd'? I don't think we ever ate, I mean met anyone of that name."

"Moo," laughed Snowflake.

"YOU FED HIM TO YOUR COW! JESUS CHRIST WOMAN! HAVE YOU NO MERCY! I LOVED HIM! HE WAS MY LOVER! I LOVED HIM AND YOU KILLED HIM! WHY? WHY? IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHY?" Jesus fell to the floor weeping.

"Erm.." stated Pingy awkwardly. "There there now, surely you didn't love him all that much. If you really loved him you wouldn't preach against the homosexual community."

"I only preach against it because it is wrong and disgusting." said Jesus.

"I am confused," said Pingy confusedly. "It is wrong and disgusting, yet you are gay yourself?"

"Yes."

"You know, I always had the sneaky suspicion that much of what your religion contains is hypocritical. Now I know so I for sure won't join that religion." Pingy stated matter-of-factly.

"What are you talking about? You are the Antichrist, aren't you? Why would you even think about being a christian?"

"I am only 16. I don't want to shut all of my options down."

"Right..."

"Don't look at me that way... I know what you are thinking." Pingy's eyes welled up with tears. "You are thinking 'look at that strange girl, I will never be friends with her.' Aren't you? THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING WASN'T IT! WHY ARE YOU JUDGING ME?" Pingy took Jesus by the collar and shook him with each word. "WHY? WHY? WHY?"

"Well," Jesus began, also tearing up. "When I was a newborn baby, I was born in a barn. My first cradle was a manger of straw. That was horrible enough. To this day I still find straw lodged in uncomfortable crevices all over my body. And the baby shower, There were no good presents! Three different kings brought me herbs and spices. I am the messiah! What use does the messiah, an _infant _ messiah at that, have for cooking? And then, one time when I was ten, I was playing with my pet flower and a little girl came and stepped on it. When I started to cry she laughed." Pingy winced and looked away uncomfortably. She wondered how Jesus would react if she told him that she was the little girl who had trod on his precious flower.

_Hmm... _ she thought, _ the entertainment value of his reaction might possibly be worth it. _"Umm... Jesus? What would you say if I told you that I was that little girl?" Pingy said as innocently as she could manage. She is the antichrist so it really wasn't that innocent sounding. In truth it sounded more malicious and cynical then innocent.

Pingy watched in wonder as Jesus's face turned a fetid green color and he emitted a loud, high pitched squeak that reminded Pingy of a tea pot. Jesus proceeded to run around in small circles while screaming curses in the various languages of the native insects and hit himself over the head repeatedly with Pingy's favorite doll, which was filled with dead rats. _wow, _Pingy thought, _ I really wish that cameras have been invented._

Pingy's amazement grew as Jesus's head began to swell and suddenly burst, spraying Pingy and Snowflake with blood and fragmented pieces of brain.

"That was kinda gross." Pingy stated

"Moo," said Snowflake.

"Yeah, I do realize that Satan was right about the brain exploding thing." There was an awkward silence. "So... Snowflake, are you hungry?"

"Moo."

"Very good Pingy," Satan said as he gave Pingy a treat. Pingy spit it in his face. "Now that wasn't very nice now was it?"

"I am no ones pet, Satan! If you treat me like you own me then I will go work for God."

Satan fell to the floor in a fit of laughter.

Pingy glared at him. "_Fine _then! I will work for _Buddah_!"

Satan's eyes welled up.

Pingy sighed. "Do I have to remind you why it isn't right for you to cry?"

"I'm not crying!" Satan insisted while wiping a tear from his cheek.

"Well what is that then?" Pingy asked, gesturing towards the tear.

"Erm..."

"Never mind, I really don't care all that much."

Satan's eyes became more teary. "My little Antichrist is all grown up and showing no care or pity. You have killed Jesus using only words and you feed human flesh to your evil cow minion." Satan began bawling. "MY LITTLE BABY IS ALL GROWN UP! WAHHHHHHHH!"

"Erm..." Pingy was more frightened then she had ever been before, not counting that one time. "Hey Satan!" She said excitedly, trying to distract him. " Is God having sex with that angel?"

"_Where?_" Satan asked. He had immediately stopped crying and began looking around frantically.

"Over there." Pingy said, jerking her thumb over her shoulder.

Satan's eyes became wide as he looked over and his mouth dropped open. Pingy looked over to where she had pointed and saw something that made her wish she hadn't turned around. She remembered something Satan had told her recently. _By saying that in reference to your brother, it came true. _

_I just saw God fucking Gabriel., _ she thought. _ I really need to watch what I say. If I don't i will see way_ _too many sights like that. _ Pingy shivered.She heard an odd clicking from where Satan stood. He was holding a small device that Pingy did not know the use of.

"What the fuck is that?" She asked politely.

"It is a digital camera. They won't be invented for about

2 millennia but once the internet is invented I am going to post these pictures on there."

"That's nice."

"Even naked, you can't tell if he is a man or a woman."

"That's nice."

"No really! You can't!"

"That's nice."

"I mean, he doesn't have any remarkable distinguishing characteristics or parts..."

"You know, I am trying to delete that image from my mind."

"Meaning?." Satan looked somewhat confused.

"Meaning that I you really aren't helping."

"Oh sorry."

"You are the Devil, don't apologize."

"Sorry."

Pingy sighed. It was going to be a _very_ long eternity.

-

thank you all for bearing with me.. and remeber... since i am probably going straight to hell for this work of fiction.. especially since the main character pingy is based on me, any flames you send wont hurt me.. they will merely fuel my insane satanistic ways! BWA HA HA HA! (by the way... i am not a satanist... i am an athiest)


	2. 1 God strikes Back

**God Strikes Back**

Two millennia after the dramatic happenings of the violent death of Jesus, the Devil was embroiled in a domestic dispute with his wife.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" his wife shyly screamed in his face.

"Come on Pingy," Satan pleaded, "If we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?"

"The chinese?" Pingy answered, slightly confused.

"No... no one." Satan said calmly. "We can't just laugh at and damn everyone who went to prom!"

"Why the fuck not?" Pingy asked crestfallenly.

"Because," Satan said calmly. "We must be fair."

"Why the fuck should we?" Pingy said. Satan could see her soul slowly dying.

"Because, my demon, if we aren't..." he paused at loss for words. "Fuck! I don't know! Stop asking!" Satan curled up in the fetal position and began to weep.

"You really need to stop doing that."

"Why?"

Pingy pulled out an abacus. "Every day for 2 millennia I tell you an average of 25.39 times that you need to act like the devil and every day you act like the devil an average of .1291 times."

Satan looked really confused.

Pingy rolled her eyes. "Meaning that you really need to act your age."

"My age?"

"Yes. You are slightly younger then God so you have been here for not quite a full eternity."

"And?"

Before Pingy could do bodily harm to Satan, Snowflake walked in.

"Moo." said Snowflake

"Alright Snowflake. What is the message?" Pingy asked her favorite minion.

"Moo." Snowflake said meekly before running away quickly.

"WHAT! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE FUCK! JESUS CHRIST? WHY? I KILLED HIM JUST 2 MILLENNIA AGO! HOW IS HE ALIVE? WHY WOULD GOD ALLOW IT? WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING! HE FORGAVE US! HE CAME TO OUR WEDDING GOD DAMN IT!" Pingy said softly

"Darling?" Satan asked in a frightened way. "Sweetie? Would you care to tell me what in the name of horse shit you are raging about? Are you smoking pot?" he sniffed her clothing.

Pingy was silent for a moment then whispered. "Jesus is alive again."

"WHAT! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE FUCK! JESUS CHRIST? WHY? YOU KILLED HIM JUST 2 MILLENNIA AGO! HOW IS HE ALIVE? WHY WOULD GOD ALLOW IT? WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING! HE FORGAVE US! HE CAME TO OUR WEDDING GOD DAMN IT!" Satan said slightly louder then Pingy had.

"My words exactly." Pingy said.

"I know, we did say much the same thing."

"No. They were actually my words exactly except you changed the pronoun 'I' to the pronoun 'You.'"

"Oh, sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"Oh, sorry."

Pingy sighed. There was an awkward silence.

"So... Jesus had been born again." Satan said, trying to kill the awkward moment.

"Yes. The trouble is, he suffered brain damage during rebirth."

"So, who has the responsibility of killing him this time?" Satan asked.

"Not me! I did it last time!" Pingy insisted.

"Not I!" Satan said. "After coming in contact with a religious man, I always feel that I must wash my hands."

"As do I."

"Well... if we follow the bible I would have the final say since I am the man in this family." He struck a manly pose.

Pingy elbowed him in the ribs. "a) The same people who wrote the Bible thought the world was flat. and b) what family? We aren't a family. We have no children."

"Really?" Satan said as though he knew something that Pingy did not. Then he started giggling.

"Are you trying to tell me that I am pregnant because if you are you suck at it."

"Yes. I am trying to tell you that."

"Excuse me." Pingy walked out of the room. In the distance Satan heard the terrified screams of some poor fool who Pingy had obviously just damned to an eternity of being alternately raped by obese men with STD's and forced to watch Hillary Duff movies. She walked back in the room.

"Feel better?"

"Not even close. I am going to castrate you for doing this to me."

Satan made a vague high pitched noise and clasped his family jewels in reply.

"Then kill the child."

"I'll make you a deal."

"I am listening."

"If you disperse with Jesus I will kill the child and I get to keep my penis."

"Deal." they shook on it.

"Now let us have sex." Satan said happily.

Pingy began to walk away.

"Were are you going?" He asked crestfallenly.

"You got me pregnant and as such you are going to be punished for the same amount of time that we have been together."

"TWO MILLENNIA!"

Pingy considered it. "You are right. Just a forth of the time we have been together."

"FIVE-HUNDRED YEARS? After that you'll give yourself to me every night... and sometimes after lunch?"

Pingy hadn't heard. She had already teleported to the world of the living and un-damned.

"She shall pay for killing my flower!" Jesus muttered to himself as he walked along the streets of Las Vegas screaming to all that passed him that they were going to hell for various different reasons.

"How much do I owe you?" Pingy asked from behind him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Jesus cried.

"That isn't any currency I am aware of. How about $500?"

"Hmmm..." Jesus was considering it.

"Erm... your line would be 'keep you damned money of hell you evil she devil worshipper! You pray to the Pagan gods! REPENT!'" Pingy said, consulting her script.

"No, I have been thinking."

"Really?" Pingy asked incredulously.

Jesus glared at her. "Yes. I have decided that I should ignore the script."

"Why?"

"Because I read ahead and I discovered that if I turn the money down I will end up being castrated by a flaming bullwhip while being sodomized by an ice covered knife. If I take the money now then I can save my manliness and life."

Pingy rolled her eyes. "Listen. I work for the author of this script. If you don't do what she orders then I will personally commit all those atrocities upon you with the help of Snowflake."

Jesus paled.

"Ah yes. You remember Snowflake, do you not? I do believe I fed your bleeding entrails to my lovely cow the last time we met."

"Are you sure you can't just give me the money?" Jesus asked pitifully.

"I would never betray Megano in that way! And besides..." Pingy looked sheepish. "I don't have $500."

Jesus began to snicker, Then to laugh, Then to chortle, Then to gasp for air, Then to fall down, Then to roll about like a looney, Then to be randomly mugged by Pingy who was growing bored, Then his nose began to bleed, Then he passed out. Pingy watched in interest as He proceeded to drowned in his own blood.

"Why is it so easy to kill this guy?" Pingy mused.

"Pingy?" Satan asked meekly.

"Yes?"

"Are you sure we can't have sex? I got rid of the kid."

"Yes, I am sure. This is to make sure that you don't do this to me ever again. Every time you do this the time between will be tripled."

Satan squeaked.

Snowflake walked in. "Moo."

"Why is he here?" Pingy asked indignantly.

"Moo."

"Tell him to go away."

"Moo."

"Yes I know who he is but I am angry with him right now."

"Moo."

"Well I don't care if he is the queen of Sheeba!"

"Moo."

"He is? Well... I just told you I don't care so..."

"MOO."

"No! Don't eat me! I'll go! I'll go!"

"Moo." Snowflake trotted out looking very smug.

"Damn cows." Pingy muttered to herself as she got up and wet to greet their important guest.

"Thank you so much for dispersing with my son again." God spake.

"Go to hell." Pingy grumbled

"This is hell."

"Then go fuck yourself."

"That is against my religion."

"What religion?"

"Christianity."

"Wait wait wait... You are part of the religion that worships the son that you have wanted me to kill twice?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't that seem a bit odd to you?"

"No. I had you kill him because I knew that he was going to become famous and all that. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Pingy was working hard to fight back her rage. She suddenly lighted upon a brilliant idea to make god very uncomfortable. "Hey! God?"

"Yes?" God asked. His face was aglow with a trusting light. In short, he was a fool.

"How is Gabriel doing?" Pingy asked innocently.

"Erm..."

"I heard that you and he had an important meeting in your chambers last night. I believe that many people heard one of you scream out in frustration, although others dispute that it sounded more like the scream of absolute bliss, and the meeting wasn't finished until the wee hours of the morning. Did you and Gabriel get into a scuffle?"

"W-why do you ask?" God asked nervously.

"No reason. It is just that I heard many eyewitness reports that when Gabriel left your chambers his clothing was torn, his hair disheveled, and he was limping."

God spit out the tea he had just drank.

"God. I have a very important question to ask you." Pingy said, leaning forward and squinting at him.

"Y-yes?" He stuttered in reply.

"Have you ever seen Gabriel naked?"

"erm..." Gods eyes were darting around the room, looking at everyone but Pingy. "N-no."

"Do these pictures look familiar to you?" Pingy inquired, handing some photographs to God. They were the same photos that Satan had taken two millennia ago.

"That is not me!" God exclaimed. "I swear! This is a hoax!" God looked frantic.

"So you have never seen Gabriel naked." It was a statement.

"No I have not."

"And you have no relationship with Gabriel beyond the creator of the universe and his right hand man." It was a statement again.

"That is right."

"And you claim no love for Gabriel."

"No. None." God looked relieved.

"Really?" Pingy asked.

"Yes."

"That is odd."

"Why?" God was getting nervous again.

"It is just that... well, let him tell you. Gabriel?"

Gabriel walked into the room.

"GABRIEL!" God screamed.

"No!" Gabriel said, cutting God off. "I have heard enough. I have turned in my resignation form and I have decided to work for these _honest _ people."

"But this is hell! You are Gabriel! You can't work for hell!"

"I am through listening to your rules! For two millennia you have lied to me and I played right into your hands. I will not be bedded by you any longer. I withdraw myself and all who are sworn to me from your service and dedicate myself and all of them to the service of Satan and Pingy who would never bed me for the wrong reasons."

Pingy cleared her throat.

"Well... maybe they will bed me for the wrong reasons, but at least they won't claim to love me and then deny all contact with me!" Gabriel stalked off.

God fell to the floor weeping. "Why Pingy?" He asked. "Why?"

"I dunno." Pingy said casually. "I guess I just kinda felt like it." She began to walk off.

"Wait!"

"What?"

"erm..."

"Bye," She began to walk off again.

"NO!"

"Then _what_?"

"If I pardon you for your sins, will you come to heaven?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't like harps." Pingy left him.

God twitched. He was all alone in heaven. _Gabriel probably realized that everyone in heaven was sworn to him, _God thought as he paced the empty cloud palace. _ I must exact my revenge upon Pingy. There must be someone who she hates more then any other thing that had every been or will ever be..._

"Moo?" Snowflake asked Pingy

"Yes Snowflake. You may ask me anything." Pingy answered.

"Moo."

"Well, hypothetically speaking, If my brother was brought back to life and made the right hand of god I would probably go on a small rampage."

"Moo?"

"Oh, it would only kill the entire human population on planet earth. So why do you ask."

"Moo."

"I want to know because in my experience the vast majority of hypothetical questions are not hypothetical at all and they actually have more then the crumbs of truth to them."

"Moo?"

"Well, they have the loaf of truth I guess."

"Moo."

"Yes, I filled my quota of damnation today. Why are you trying to change the subject?"

"Moo."

"Yes you are!"

"Moo."

"Yeah huh!"

"Moo."

Pingy sighed, she was becoming very exasperated. "Look, just tell me the truth. Is my brother actually alive or is he still suffering the worst punishment possible in the worst lit dungeons."

"Moo."

"Excuse me," Pingy walked out of the room. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU! YOU HEAR ME? I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! DIE BITCH DIE! YOU WILL SUFFER A TERRIBLE DEATH!"

"Moo!" Snowflake squeaked before attempting to flee in fear of her life.

"Snowflake!" Pingy called. "I am not talking about you."

"Moo."

"Come. We must rally the angels."

"Moo?"

"We have to overthrow God, for he has strayed from the path of riotousness."

"Moo."

"Yes, we need to find out what god is planning...

"Hmm... according to the script," God muttered, examining his script, "I am supposed to reveal my plans to Pingy's brother and Pingy will listen in using her witchcraft and then she will know my plans. I cannot allow this to happen. PATRICK!"

"Yes master?"

"Why do you have the voice of Darth Vader?"

"Who might this Vader man be for it is not me who has his voice, tis he who has my voice!"

"Really now?"

"Yes. Maybe... no." Pat looked meekly down.

"Anyway, I have to send you on a mission."

"What is the mission, master?"

"Well, you see, I can not at this time tell you." God looked slightly uncomfortable.

"Why the fuck not." Pat asked, polite as ever.

"Because if I tell you my plans, Pingy will find out somehow because the author of this script is fucked up." He pulled out his script and reread a section of it. "Yes, very fucked up.

"

"So I will just wander around in hopes of completing whatever you want me to do."

"That's the gist of it."

"Alright." Patrick wandered off into the night, no doubt heading for the nearest bar or marijuana dealer.

Meanwhile in hell, the author of the script was embroiled in a heated argument with the Antichrist...

Pingy snorted with laughter. "You mean you made him send my poor fool of a brother to earth with no more help then his own wits?"

The author, Megano, nodded, also laughing.

Pingy snorted into her carbonated soda and very painfully shot it out of her nose. "AKKKK! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! MY RETINA! AKKKK!" She shot Megano, who was whistling innocently although in reality she cannot whistle worth crap, a look that was not very nice. "I blame you. As the author of this script you had the power to prevent that."

'That is not entirely true..."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you honestly think that I would willingly bring my brother back to life?"

"What do you mean 'your brother?' He is my brother. I am not related to you." She glared at Megano.

"Must I explain everything to you?" Megano sighed. "When you became Satan's wife and the Antichrist your soul was split in two to allow for your soul to be partially filled with evil."

Pingy's face held a shocked, bordering on pissed off, look.

"Satan didn't tell you, did he?"

"MREEEEEEEEEEE!" Pingy emitted a loud high-pitched noise.

"I take that as a no. Well, anyway, They filled both halves with evil, but one was slightly less stable so they discarded it. That half died, and was thus eligible for reincarnation. It wasn't reincarnated until 1990 and has been growing older and more malignant since. That bit of your soul enjoys writing strange scripts about the murders of various religious leaders, in fact I do believe that she will move on to Muhammad next. So anyway, would you like to know who your, if you will pardon the slightly odd play on words, soul mate is?"

"Woof." Pingy exhaled

"I will take that as a yes. It is me. So now you understand. Pat is the brother I was raised with, for God broke him out of his reincarnate proof dungeon and let him be reborn even though reincarnation is a Buddhist belief. I hate him. You hate him. Let us kill him. I will write our victory and you shall do the deed."

"Meow"

"I thought so."

They began to laugh maniacally together. It was the same laugh. Somewhere in the distance, Satan heard that there were, as he could understand it, two Pingy's and decided to barricade himself in his bomb shelter.

"I've got a loverly bunch of coconuts (stee dee lee dee dee) there they are a-standing in a row (bum bum bum) big ones small ones some as big as your head!" Patrick sang drunkenly as he stumbled around the streets, no doubt looking for either drugs or a hooker (otherwise known as his girlfriend, Amanda).

Pingy suddenly appeared and bashed his head on a rock. Then she repeatedly stabbed his corpse. "Mweheeheehee! Fear me you wretched spawn of _Jesus_!" She thought of her words and hit herself mentally. "Damn, we are spawned from the same mother." She said while kicking his mangled and bloody corpse. "Fucker." She muttered as she stalked off.

"Damn." God muttered from the rooftops where he was watching the proceedings. "That was the last person who would work for me. My plans have failed. Megano has taken a very unreasonable dislike to me and thus I shall most likely die very soon and very painfully. I think I shall kill myself." God stole one of Zeus's thunderbolts and shot himself through the heart with it.

"Mweheeheehee!" Megano laughed from the shadows. "I win."

"SATAN!" Pingy screamed

Satan jumped, then he cringed, then he twitched.

"SATAN YOU FUCKER! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR I WILL SICK THE COWS OF HELL ON YOUR ASS! YOU KNOW THEY ARE MORE LOYAL TO ME THEN THEY ARE TO YOU! GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASS OVER HERE!"

Satan entered the room where Pingy was with his head lowered. "Yes dear." He asked as meekly as he could.

"FUCKER! FUCKER! FUCKER!" Pingy screamed in his ear.

"Oww..." he said, rubbing his ear.

"YOU RIPPED OUT A PIECE OF MY FUCKING SOUL! WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THIS?"

"Because I knew you would act like this." Satan said as meekly as he could.

"Oh..." Pingy calmed down a bit. She suddenly twitched violently. "Why are you dressed like a french maid?"

"Oh. I was trying to hide from you."

Pingy's anger returned slightly. "And why would this be." She asked, trying to keep her voice level.

"I heard your maniacal laughter. I would have figured that all was normal but my Santan-senses told me that there were two of you. I figured that you had figured out how to clone yourself. Naturally I was terrified. I had no idea how many of you there were. There could be thousands and I would have no idea."

"it is your own damn fault."

"How?"

"Hmm... let me _think_!" Pingy's voice was dripping with sarcasm on all italicized words. "Could it _possibly_ be that _you _ ripped _my _soul in _half _ you _dip shit_! Then _my _ soul fucking _reincarnated _ and now it is writing _stories _ about killing _jesus_! You _idiots _ made the fucking _brilliant _decision to let the fucking _unstable _ half of my soul _ die_! You people obviously didn't damn _Einstein _ because if you _ did _you would have realized to lock the _ unstable _bit in some place where it wouldn't be _allowed _ to reincarnate. I'm surprised you people down here didn't chase your fucking _ tails _ before I came down here and restored at least a _bit _ of the order!"

"Erm..." Satan looked uncomfortable. "We did chase our tails."

"You chased–"

"Yep."

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

"But–"

"It doesn't matter."

"I–"

"Shush."'

"Just–"

"Hush."

"Fuck–"

"You want to?"

"Still 499 years, 11 months, and 12 days to go bucko."

"Are you sure?"

"Completely."

"Or are you unsure?"

"No."

"No you are not sure or no you are not unsure."

"I'm not sure... no, wait... I don't know. Leave me alone!" Pingy curled up in the fetal position and sucked her thumb. Then she began to weep.

"That's cute."

"Now I can't get the image of you in a french maid outfit out of my mind." Pingy said, massaging her temples

Satan wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I could take it off if that would..._ pleasure _ you."

"You still have more then 499 years left to go you horny horny male you. Oh, and by the way, using my super special antichristal powers I have I have put a spell on the entire female population as well as Gabriel and if you attempt to attempt to bang any of them you will experience a rather uncomfortable electrical shock to your genitals.'

Satan winced.

"I thought you would enjoy that bit."

"Oh well. I will just have to compensate now won't I?"

"What do you mean by that?" Pingy asked suspiciously

"Oh, nothing." Satan skipped off singing. "Every time I find a frog or a tadpole I will take it in an empty room and violate parole."

Slightly more then 499 years, 11 months, and 12 days later, Pingy screamed, "Damn you Satan!"

"Erm... yes sweetie?" Satan said, trying to look like he didn't know what was happening although the sneaky bastard very well did.

"You got me pregnant again!" Pingy scream while reaching for the her favorite knife. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Pingy's intent was to castrate him.

"Did I?" Satan asked innocently.

"You bloody well did! I didn't sleep with anyone else!"

"Really?"Satan asked incredulously. "In 500 years you never banged anyone?"

"No and you shouldn't have either! I put a spell on Gabriel and all females!"

"Yes, but no frog or tadpole was safe when I came near."

"Oh... my... god. I thought that little song of yours was a joke. Ewww. Ewww! _Ewww_! Why on _ earth _ did you do that with a frog? _ How _ did you do that with a frog. Oh god, I don't want to know. Jesus Christ! Now I can't get that image out of my mind. It isn't physically possible! How? No! I really don't want to know! Really! AKKK! My mind's eye has been sullied! It burns! It burns us! Send for the priest. I must repent before I go. Jesus. I still haven't been able to get the image of you in a french maid costume out of my head. And now there is you in a french maid costume and you are doing very bad things with a frog. Oh sweet Jesus! I should have become a christian when I was a child. No, I shouldn't have. I should never have agreed to marry you. AKKK!"

While Pingy had been ranting Satan, that sneaky little bastard that he is, had snuck off and donned his French maid costume and plucked a random frog from some random pond that randomly resided in the middle of hell... randomly. His return is what caused Pingy to scream.

Unfortunately, the sight was too much for Pingy's delicate mind. She sent out a magical aura that killed nearly all human beings on earth. The only people left were two brave children and they were quickly eaten by bears.

The End


End file.
